So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
