Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
