I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
