Dude my mom stole all your condoms
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
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