You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
