Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
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