Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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