The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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