please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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