dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
