I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
