I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Randomize
