my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
