he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
