he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
