I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
