She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
