I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Randomize
