wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
