ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
