I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Randomize
