that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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