Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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