Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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