My boss' voice literally gives me gas
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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