guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
