have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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