hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
