im drinking this country out of the recession.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
