Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
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