Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
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