I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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