Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
