sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
She told me I should be a condom model.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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