if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
