my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize