hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
