I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
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