This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
