And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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