I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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