Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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