and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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