I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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