I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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