I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
