My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
