He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize