I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
