FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
