I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
