After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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