Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
