Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
