You were right. It hurts to walk today.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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