wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
