she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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