Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
